I'm So Frustrated...

My mom has such a negative attitude about all of this. She told me today that she wasn't sure if she was going to have the surgery to either take out the lump or take off the breast. And she also said that she wasn't going to let anyone put her on chemo. I told her that she had to have the surgery and chemo. If she didn't, the cancer would spread and go out into her body. Her response was, "What difference does it make if it spreads? I'll still be all alone, with no one to talk to about this and no one that gives a shit."

How can she say that she has no one that gives a shit???

Does she not see that I am bending over backwards to stay on top of the doctors and get this stuff scheduled, so that it can be taken care of and she can get on the road to recovery as quickly as possible???

How can she be so selfish that she would decide to NOT do anything that the doctors say so that she can get better???

How can she say that she is all alone and has no one to talk to about how scared she is??? What about me? Do I not count as someone to talk to? Can she not see that I have been by her side every step of the way so far and that I plan to continue to be there by her side the rest of the way???

How can she say that I don't care??? That she is nothing but a burden and a bother, so she might as well just let the cancer do her in and be done with it so that she isn't a burden anymore???

Does she not see that she is breaking my heart by saying these things? I have NEVER said anything or done anything to make her feel in any way that she is a burden to me.

My God, she is my mother. Doesn't she know that I would do anything for her??? Anything to keep her here with me as long as I possibly can???

How do I make her understand this???

All Alone

It's amazing how you can be surrounded by people and yet, still feel so all alone...

I Get Scared

Why does my mind automatically try to focus on the worst case scenario? Doesn't it know that if it keeps that up, it will slowly drive me to the point of losing it? With the exception of yesterday when I was in pretty crappy spirits all day, I have been doing a pretty good job of being positive. I know that a positive attitude is very important to have in this type of situation.

But there are still fleeting moments when my mind wanders to that worst case scenario.

Ainsley and I went to lunch with my mom today. As I was driving down the road, I could hear the two of them in the backseat laughing and singing and just having a great time. My mind chose this moment to wander...

I hate my mind sometimes.

At the restaurant, my mom bought Ainsley a lollipop as we were leaving. When we got back into the car, I could hear them laughing about whose lollipop it was. Ainsley said it was hers because NaNa gave it to her. My mom said it was hers because she bought it. It was a really cute little argument and it made me laugh, knowing that Ainsley didn't realize that my mom was only kidding around. My mind chose this moment to wander...

I hate my mind sometimes.

Ainsley fell asleep in the car on the way home. When we got home and I was getting her out of her car seat, she woke up and sleepily asked, "Where NaNa go?" My mind chose this moment to wander...

I hate my mind sometimes.

It scares me.

Why?

The quiet of the night is when it gets really hard. The thoughts and questions come at you so fast that you don't have time to duck.

Why is this happening?
Why my mom?
Why do I feel like I am in mourning, when my mother is very much alive?
Why does getting the answers back from the doctors take so long?
Why didn't God answer my prayers and let this not be cancer?
Why does cancer even exist?
Why can't we find a cure for this horrible disease?
Is it normal to feel so angry?
Who or what do I direct this anger at?
Why does it hurt so bad that the only way to ease some of the pain is to just cry?
When am I going to wake up and realize that this is all just a very bad dream?
Why can't I make it better for her?

Confirmed Diagnosis

We got the confirmed diagnosis Monday. Invasive Moderately Differentiated Ductal Carcinoma and Metastatic Ductal Carcinoma of the right Axillary nodes. My mom has breast cancer.

A little background on my mom: She is a stroke survivor, 3 times over. March of 2007 she fell and shattered her right arm and needed 5 hours of reconstructive surgery to save it. June of 2007 she was hit with 2 strokes at once, one on each side of her brain. The doctor discovered that she had a patent foramen ovale (a hole in the heart that closes right after birth) and a clotting factor that causes the veins in her legs to produce thousands of tiny microscopic blood clots. These clots normally would be filtered out through the lungs, but with the hole in her heart, some of the clots were able to bypass the lungs and go to the brain. Over time, they built up and created a clot large enough to cause a stroke.

Her arm that she had rebuilt has very limited range of motion and is full of pins and plates and screws and various other metal pieces. Add the physical and mental after effects of the strokes and she was a big ol' mess for a while. My stepdad decided that he couldn't be with her anymore because she had "changed", so in September of 2008 he packed up and left her. When he left, he took the health insurance with him. She was left with nothing and no ability to work.

So, I began the process of getting her signed up for Disability benefits through Social Security. She was denied immediately. I then appealed the decision and after months and months of paperwork and red tape, she was finally approved for SSI in August of 2009. Along with her SSI, she also qualified for Medicaid for health insurance.

Because it took so long to get her approved and everything set up once she was approved, she neglected to inform me that she had found a lump in her right breast. She claimed that since she could not go to a doctor yet, there was no use in saying anything. If she had said something, I would have found a way to get her in to see someone, somewhere.

She had her first appointment with her new doctor on October 14. He checked the lump and set her up for a mammogram immediately. It was schedule for October 21. She had that done and the radiologist decided to refer her to have a needle biopsy done. That was done on October 23.

She had an appointment yesterday, October 26, to see her doctor and get the results of the biopsy.

It's all happening so fast, which is a really good thing, I guess. there just has not been any real time for all of this to sink in yet. We are now at the point where we are waiting for authorization from Medicaid for her to go see the breast surgeon.

The tumor is the size of a baseball, so more than likely when they remove it, there will not be enough tissue left to do reconstruction. She is devastated at the thought of losing her breast. I have done nothing but read any and every book that I can find on breast cancer since the doctor first uttered the words, "I would stake my license that this is breast cancer." So I am aware that this one of the most common types of breast cancer. And that it is very treatable.

It's still scary as hell. I've been holding it together pretty well since the doctor first mentioned the possibilty of cancer. But today, I'm not doing so hot. It's hard right now to keep myself together and be strong for my mom, my baby girl and for myself.